20 Questions
by FormerCircusTeapot
Summary: Silly very uneventful conversation. I don't really own anything sorry for stealing Doctors House and Wilson. I hope you like it. No beta but it should be readable. Please R
1. Chapter 1

20 Questions

Look down, a road stretches out before you. It winds through a valley with tall trees on either side. Along this road drives a silver Volvo. Now imagine the perspective changing. We're in a car; head height; just above the gear stick. I'm presuming this is the Volvo. Either that or the wide-shot was kinda peculiar. We are about two join our two favourite doctors – well my two favourite fictional doctors anyway. Doctors Wilson and House are sitting in the front of the car. Wilson is driving. House, less productively, is twiddling the knobs to alternatively blow hot and cold air towards his friend. He stares intently at the other doctor trying to catch a flicker of suppressed annoyance. Doctor Wilson stares serenely ahead.

Suddenly, the Volvo begins to swerve violently from side to side. House's cane, which he was holding in his left hand between his knees smacks into his jaw. Wilson steadies the car. The corners of his lips tilt just slightly upwards.

"That was lucky, I've heard of some terrible things happening just because the driver of a car was distracted."

"I am not a puppy. Rubbing my nose in a puddle of piss wont work. I might even escalate the situation. I thought you'd read that manual on non-violent conflict resolution"

With that House nonchalantly crumbled a mini cheddar into the other Wilson's hair.

"Eugh! Was that really necessary?"

"Cheese like flavourings have been shown to create lustre and promote hair retention. I was worried you were getting a bald spot."

"Speak for yourself"

And with that the two doctors slip back into silence. House hums something unrecognisable; pouts for a second then returns to playing with the air con. This time Wilson does not attempt to disguise his annoyance. Its a battle he has already lost.

"As an expert... How would you suggest I "non-violently" stop you doing that"

"I have a very active mind, It needs constant stimulation. The best way to stop me is to entertain me."

By some curious way of stressing the words House manages to make that last sentence sound vaguely lewd. To the author that is. I doesn't seem to bother Wilson too much.

"Can't you stimulate yourself"

Well, that definitely sounds rude. Its not through the inflection either. House doesn't quite possess Wilson's unflappability or propriety. He definitely notices.

"You seriously wouldn't mind it I did THAT right now?"

There is silence for a second. You can pretty much see Wilson is trying to decide whether to call House's bluff. Then again you never know what his desired outcome might be. He could just be worried about wrecking his leather upholstery.

"That might fall into the category of distracting the driver."

I guess he thought House might be bluffing. Or maybe he WAS worried about the upholstery. Or genuinely anxious about its affect on his driving. There are numerous possible explanations.

"I could do it quietly"

For a while Wilson is silent. I guess that shows he isn't dignifying that comment with an answer. Or maybe he's pondering House's suggestion.

"20 Questions?"

Finally the title is explained. THAT took a while.

"I'm afraid I left my Wilson to English dictionary in my other trousers."

"You want a distraction well I think of something and you ask me 20 Questions to find out what it is. They have to be yes/no questions"

"Sounds stimulating"

I wonder if that DOES sound rude to Wilson. There is a little circle of reddening flesh right on his cheek bone. Then again House has been playing with the air con.

"I've thought of something ask away"

"Is it a person?"

"no"

Wilson is smiling. Clearly he thinks he is being clever. Then again I wrote this maybe it isn't at all clear to you. Good thing I told you then.

"Is it an object?"

"Its more a name for a subset of objects"

"I thought these were yes/no questions."

"Don't complain I'm helping you."

"All right, does this thing occur naturally?"

"Humans create it so no."

"You just can't help yourself can you?"

"Is that a question?"

"Not if it isn't relevant. Ummm.... Are they corporeal things?"

"Yep"

"That isn't yes or no but I'll let it slide."

House stares at the darkening sky for a second. He twiddles his cane.

"Are they alive?"

"no"

"Do I like them or it?"

"Definitely"

Wilson is smiling fully now. He flicks the headlights on and licks his lips. Waiting for his colleague's next question.

"Is it tits?"

Now the younger doctor is grinning. House better catch on quickly otherwise Wilson will turn into the Cheshire cat.

"It contains breasts."

"Does it contain cocks?"

"yeh"

House is grinning now. I think he may have got it.

"Did you hope to slip it by me by thinking of something that I would think you would think was too easy?"

"I think so, not quite sure what you mean but I'll go for yes"

"Is it porn"

"yes"

"So you've been thinking about porn for the last ten minutes or so? Doesn't that 'distract the driver'"

"Yes, though in an abstract rather than specific sense."

"Do you often think of porn in an abstract sense?"

After that action packed episode, I'm afraid we have to leave the two doctors to their drive. You never know though. I might write another chapter where Wilson finally snaps and throws House out of the car to freeze to death in snowy New Jersey and all because he was fiddling with the air con. Or maybe Wilson will pull over and they will begin a very passionate affair. Or maybe Wilson will reveal he has decided to follow his dream and retrain as a psychoanalyst. Or maybe House will have an incredibly painful spasm and I could write a touching fic all about how Wilson helped him through his pain. We've been neglecting Chase and Cuddy. Its up to you read and review.

p.s. I apologise for my grating Britishness and lack of a beta.


	2. More Characters Needed 2

More Characters Needed?

We can't see anything. However we can hear something. It sounds like a baby crying. Gradually the scene fades in. First of all we can only see a baby's head. Huge and slightly scary it fills the whole vision. Then the rest of the scene becomes visible. We're back in that Volvo guys! This time there is a baby swaddled in a child seat resting on the back left seat. I cannot believe we missed that last time. I guess she must have been asleep.

"Crap! You woke her up."

I guess I was right. Some coincidence that is. That was Wilson talking by the way. House is just about to reply.

"I woke her? I didn't do anything. It was your crazy ass driving."

Wilson pulled over; parked up on the hard shoulder of the motorway; opened his door – slamming it shut again perhaps a little harder than was necessary; walked around the back of the car to stand knees bent beside the wailing child in his back seat.

"Why did I let Cuddy talk me into this? I don't know anything about babies."

"I could flag down a passing woman. Try feeding it."

"Her! I knew I put those bottles somewhere." Wilson is searching around under House's and Rachel's seat frantically trying to find something that will shut the kid up. "Why do you hate the kid so much anyway House. I thought you were over Cuddy."

"Have you checked if she is dry. I wouldn't want you missing your chance to change a baby. I don't hate her I just mind people mewling in my ears."

"Oh crap! Eugh!"

Guess what Wilson has found. Lucky guy!

"I've changed my mind. I might ask Cuddy if I could be her godfather."

"A fate worse than death. Anyway your an atheist."

"So is Cuddy she wouldn't want to choose someone who would turn her all religious."

"I guess not."

I know that seems a weak response. Wilson is otherwise engaged. He may not like it but he can grit his teeth while House sits there smirking. Wilson finishes up and stows the dirty nappy away in a plastic bag in the boot. He returns too the wheel.

"If you were gonna bring a baby along you shoulda brought a nanny too."

"I did. She's asleep."

House twists in his seat to look at the other occupants or the back passenger seat. Doctors Chase and Cameron sleep soundly. His cheek is pressed against the window and his legs are stretched out. Cameron lies across his chest her feet towards the other side of the car. Bizarrely they are both in scrubs.

"I can see myself missing a baby, but two full sized doctors is a bit much."

"Well, they haven't been saying much. They came with us from the hospital."

House stared into the distance and appeared to be pondering his sudden lapse in memory. Obviously it wasn't just a sudden lapse in memory. I started the story at a specific point and specific events leading to that points are either irrelevant or yet to be revealed. Still, I can understand, it must be disconcerting to find yourself in the middle of this.

"Wilson?"

Damn House for interrupting my musings. Its not like I had any control or anything.

"Yes"

"Where are we going?"

"Our House."

"What are we doing with the groupies?"

"Dropping them off I think."

"You think? No plan?"

"Well I guess we'll have too."

"Do you think I can wake Chase up without waking Cameron?"

"Why do you want too?"

"She is REALLY annoying and I like Chase?"

"You can talk to me."

"Its getting boring. Now your not thinking of porn I feel like talking to an Aussie."

"CHASE"

"Shut up House."

That was Cameron. House WILL be disappointed. She sits up stretches out and massages her boyfriends shoulder with her arm stretched out behind his back.

"Are we almost back?"

He speaks. The Australian speaks! Miracle really. I don't actually have anything against Aussies. Especially not Chase. As House says, he has Beautiful hair.

"We're just coming off the motorway." Thats Wilson talking.

"Wait a sec, there isn't a motorway between home and the hospital. Where have we been?"

"Chill out we just went to get a hoagie. Mercifully it was suicide free this time."

"Lucky us."

"Wait a second. House, don't you remember where you've been? Are you okay?"

That is Cameron. Could you tell?

"Do you remember what you've been doing all day?"

"Well no..."

"Chase?"

"No idea. It can't have been much fun. I don't often remember much about going to get sandwiches."

"Are neither of you anxious about not being able to remember anything you did today?"

Cameron again, she IS annoying. I can see what House means.

"Calm down Alison. I'm sure its nothing to worry about. Its probably just an inexplicable literary device."

Hey, how did he know that. Wilson has bigger brains than he is given credit for.

"This is Lisa's place. Could you two take Rachel in?"

"Sure thing"

I guess you could say Chase interposed that before his girlfriend had a chance to get all metaphysical again.

"What is going on?"

House is whispering. Well, hissing is closer to how I would describe it. Wilson seems to be puzzled by it as well.

"Why are you whispering? I told you its nothing to worry about."

"I'm whispering because I'd rather let pretty miss prissy think she's crazy than think I'm crazy."

"Your too harsh on Cameron."

No he really isn't. Wilson magnificently passes over the more important or interesting parts of that statement.

"Hey why don't you drive off before the blond babies return. Cameron only lives just around the corner. I'm sure they'd cope."

Well at that low climbing-wall hanger I'll leave it for today. Will Wilson pander to House's whims and be slightly unkind or will he insist on staying and irritate his friend? Its a foregone conclusion really. Or is it? Please read and review. I might even introduce some elements of plot next time...


	3. Character Limit Exceeded 3

Character Limit Exceeded

"Bye House, Bye Wilson, have a good evening?"

"Yeah, thanks for the Hoagies. I'm always up for a trip to Atlantic City when the mood next takes you."

"I'm not"

"Yes you are Cameron. Now go away and screw your wallaby before I do it for you."

Wilson pulls away and House lets out a huge sigh and closes his eyes. He preferred Cameron asleep. Attractive and mute.

"Now were child free do you want to get on with the naughty stuff."

"Yes House, lets have wild, violent intercourse. Don't let the fact that I'm driving a car get in the way."

"You were thinking of porn just a few minutes ago."

"I wasn't planning on creating or reliving any. Anyway it was in the abstract sense."

"You and your bloody abstract sense have to ruin everything. Do you have any more mini cheddars?"

"What so you can put them in my hair?"

"Actually I was planning on eating them. Thinking of food did you have any plans? 'Cause it almost eight."

"We could pick up something from that Thai place. Cameron said the food there is beautiful."

"Cameron eats! Well I suppose if she said the food was beautiful she might just have been looking at it. You don't fancy cooking then?"

"Why don't you House? I think you should once every ten years."

"Okay, sure thing. Head down to my place then. There is one condition."

Wilson raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything. Who knows what House would or could cook. Thinking of that, did House even own pans? Presumably he did. Either that or Wilson really should brace himself.

Three silent minutes later they pulled up outside 221b. The two men got out, House hobbling to unlock the doors. Wilson rolled his shoulders and neck, enjoying the cool night after spending hours in the car.

"You coming or have you taken up stargazing as your new hobby?"

"Your right of course. The next ex Mrs Wilson will be a telescope."

Wilson slammed his door, locked the car and followed House inside. His friend had headed straight for the kitchen and was making clanging noises which were more reminiscent of the MRI scanner than cooking. Wilson headed through the sitting room to House's little used galley kitchen.

"I told you Wilson, one condition. Your not coming in here until I'm finished."

"What, so I can't complain?"

"Exactly, go watch TV."

With that House tossed him a lager. Eugh! I hate lager, but the boys don't so they can have all the lager they want. Wilson grabs a glass from out of one of the cupboards (classy guy) and heads back towards the couch. He clears a place and turns on the TV bringing up the on demand films.

Well, this was a bit short. The following questions will be answered next time: What is House cooking in the kitchen? What film will Wilson choose to watch? If I answer these fascinating questions, will you answer one for me? Is Jack Daniels Whiskey or Bourbon? Are they in fact the same thing? It will give you guys something to write in reviews!


End file.
